


Self Control

by etckhh



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I am the angsty trashman, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Side!Jicheol, Straight!Seungkwan, fluffy ass fluff tbh, side!jihan, this! Is me firsT! fic!!!, vern is v homo for his bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-20 13:17:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8250446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etckhh/pseuds/etckhh
Summary: Being in love with your best friend takes a lot of self-control.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whatttttt the fuco am I doin??
> 
> Anyways I love verkwan so much my lil gay heart can hardly take it. This was written to Frank Ocean's song "Self control". Gosh golly.
> 
> First Fic
> 
> not beta-ed

It’s a slow sting to fall in love with Boo Seungkwan. Like when you’re staring at the ceiling at three in the morning and you forget to shut your eyes. You never realize it hurts until it hurts. You have to sort of blink it away and wonder why you were being such an idiot. Sure enough, the process repeats.

Vernon felt the sting more than ever when Seungkwan came to him in secret one night. It was fairly late, when the sounds of the city turned to a light whisper and the chill of the night has the whole group cursing the thermostat in the corner of their dorm. Seungkwan sat across from him. Hair damp, make-up washed away, in sweats and an oversized hoodie. Their knees were pressed together and it had Hansol’s heart picking up tempo. Soonyoung was asleep only a few feet away and Wonwoo had his headphones in as he reads, but Seungkwan’s whisper feels far louder in Hansol’s ears. It was as if the latter was speaking at full volume. It took all his self-control to not cup the round cheeks before him and press kisses all over the rose-tinted skin.

“Hansollie, can you keep a secret?” the vocalist says softly, practically bouncing. There’s a slight seriousness in his eyes and tone.

“Yeah, Boo, what’s up?” Vernon whispers back, deciding against playful teasing that he would usually resort to.

He swears his body fills with cotton and his heart stops as Seungkwan leans in, smelling like shampoo stolen from another member and cheap detergent. It was the best kind of high. The way the elder’s back curves and his lips quirk as he moves in far too close to whisper this important secret. Hansol feels lips bump into his ear on accident. Vernon's eyes remain fixed over Seungkwan's shoulder he drinks in the view of the latter’s ass. Oh, that ass. He would willingly let the whole group go through his internet search history just to grab at the very cute bum his best friend has.

The vocalist falters for just a moment before regaining the usual confidence.

“I have a girlfriend,” Seungkwan mutters softly.

Vernon can't breathe.

It hadn't been easy to ignore the feelings that he’d developed. Seungkwan was straight, much to the group’s shock. Even Minghao had gasped when the vocalist had mentioned it. Seungkwan’s flamboyant behavior apparently let nothing on when it came to attraction. The group was fairly open when it came to preferences. Everyone, in Seungcheol’s case. Or no one, in Junhui’s. Yet poor, terribly gay, Chwe Hansol, had such a consuming crush. Only Jihoon had figured out his feelings for the Jeju boy- he doubted the vocal team’s leader even remembered. It had come up when the older members had gotten particularly drunk on Christmas eve. Jihoon was a shockingly cuddly drunk and he latched onto to the sober Hansol, complaining about everything that had come to his intoxicated mind. He began complaining about ‘thick boys' being 'so damn hot,’ while gesturing at an equally plastered Seungcheol. His lips curved into his signature shit eating grin before pointing at Seungkwan and going ‘you know exactly what I mean,’. Hansol never denied it.

With the way Seungkwan’s eyes shone like every star in the Seoul sky had been trapped in them, Vernon could only smile back. It stung. Forcing out an awkward “Congrats man,”. It felt as if the wind had been smashed out of him with one swift blow. Hansol pretends to listen as Seungkwan blabbers in a whisper about his dream girl. His brain is static and he feels a few tears prick at his eyes. He rubs at them, blaming nonexistent allergies. They talk until Seungcheol shoos the vocalist to bed. 

Hansol cried himself to sleep that night.

Seungcheol pulled him aside during hip hop unit’s practice a week later and asked gently what’s wrong. If it’s an issue he can help with or if he should get Seungkwan or Joshua. Seungkwan. The name echoes in his head as he contemplates the irony. He asks quietly to speak to Joshua. Later that day during dance practice Joshua pulled him to the side, sliding a water bottle across to the younger male. They’re surrounded by sweaty, exhausted balls of hormones and testosterone and he debated if this really is even a good place to talk. But if he trusts anyone, it’s Josh.

“Homesick?” the vocalist asked in English. He sat a bit to the side of him on the floor at a comfortable distance.

“Lovesick,” Vernon declared, thankful for the security barrier of a language. It prevented particularly nosey members from butting in. He stared blankly at the ceiling lights. Josh quirked an amused brow at the younger.

“Who is she?” Jisoo questioned gently.

“He,” Hansol corrected.

“He in this group?” Josh amended.

“It’s Boo, dude,” he admitted outright, desperate to get it off his chest. Jisoo was silent for a long moment before chuckling in the soft way he would. For a moment Hansol feels defensive as if his feelings were a joke. Sure enough, the latter spoke up.

“I should have figured that out sooner,” Jisoo said, resting back on his palms.

“You and me both,” Hansol agreed.

“Love’s stupid,” Josh said suddenly, “So very fucking stupid,” he added under his breath. Vernon is startled by the sudden admittance from his ever romantic and soft-spoken friend, not expecting the foul language. Hansol’s eyes followed Josh’s gaze while the elder glared at Seungcheol playing affectionately with Jeonghan’s hair. He could only give a small nod. At the very least he wasn’t the only one suffering from unrequited love.

Vernon has this comfort for a whopping six days before he walked in on Jeonghan pinning Josh to a wall, lips and hands everywhere on one another.

He slipped from the room unnoticed and curled up in a pathetic ball on the dorm’s couch. He felt even more lonely. In addition to being lovesick, Seungkwan had been sneaking off more and more often to meet with his girlfriend. And, of corse, it was Vernon who had to cover. Saying Seungkwan had run off to the convenience store for just a bit, or he had gone for a walk, or he had gone to the practice studio to go over a dance alone. The Jeju native was making it difficult to stay sane. Not to mention he could only repeat the excuses oh so many times before the others would pick up on it. Vernon was fairly sure Minggyu and Wonwoo had caught on to the whole ruse. He just prayed the two would keep their traps shut.

Hansol was beginning to get sick of seeing the latter come home with pictures of beautiful dates and romantic encounters. He occasionally daydreamed that instead, it is him on those dates, kissing Seungkwan, going to the park while the sun sets, getting street food and just walking together. Yet the less he sees Seungkwan, the less he’s forced to face the facts that his friend has the most kissable lips and the cutest laugh and the funniest jokes. He doesn't have to see that perky ass in tight jeans. He isn't forced to hold himself back from kissing Seungkwan's forehead while he's cutely half asleep. But when he isn't with Seungkwan, then his girlfriend is. And she can do all those things and more.

They still cuddled together on the dorm's couch and in one another's far too small beds. And Seungkwan would still insist that they shower together as often as possible. Yet Vernon still felt they were miles away from where they used to be.

They're laying together in Vernon's tiny bed, enjoying one another's presence before vocal practice. Seungkwan emotionally and physically felt so much closer than usual. They're sharing earbuds and scrolling through twitter, laughing at dog videos and old memes. When the song changes Hansol turns his head to inform Seungkwan that 'Holy shit dude I love this song,' but the words die before they reach his mouth. His best friend's face was so damn close to his own, and his body is so damn warm. The rapper can only focus on the soft looking lips of his friend.

It feels like a thin wire snapping.

His self-control had been pushed too far.

Without much hesitation, Hansol connects their lips.


	2. Holding Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungkwan held back too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOIII holy fuck i had such a bad day. My boss hates me. CLasses are hell. My psych teach keeps diagnosing me. :T at least this monstrosity is completo
> 
> Honestly I just write fo myself so I'm glad u weenies like it 
> 
> <3

Seungkwan never had much impulse control.

He would yell when he felt like yelling, push buttons just to see the reactions, and get into trouble just for the sake of an adventure. He was incredibly passionate and vibrant. He never felt required to hold back. It always felt inauthentic to hold himself in, reign all his personality in.

Vernon was his other half. His best friend’s calm, critical, and sharp personality helped him step into things carefully. Likewise, he always seemed to rile the latter up and get him into more trouble. They balanced one another well. It wasn’t just because they were similar in age, but their personalities relied on each other. Unlike Jeonghan and Joshua who were equally calm, almost cat-like people who always stayed on the same page. They also didn’t hype one another up like Soonyoung and Seokmin, tweedle dee and tweedle dumb who always yelled over one another excitedly. Seungkwan saw himself and Vernon like yin and yang. Seungkwan began where Vernon left off.

Seungkwan worried about their relationship. It crossed the line of being platonic one too many times.

He wasn’t gay. No - his family, the company, seventeen- they would all hate him if he was. Even though the others admitted their sexualities, Seungcheol being open like an awkward dad. It still felt wrong. Dino swore on his life that he had never met a gay because they don't exist, and Josh stated that his religion strictly stated that homosexuality was never allowed. Jeonghan had snapped back saying that "If Jesus died for our sins, we can't let him take one for the team for nothing,". Jihoon argued that Jesus gave up on him after the first time Jeonghan's knees hit the men's room floor for a man twice his age. The subject was an ignored taboo after that. It made Seungkwan anxious thinking about it. What if Joshua shunned him and made him go to church every day to fix it? Was there a fix, or a cure? Seungkwan decided after he was given his ring that he would be straight. He stuck to the story, to the point it was almost obnoxious. After a few years, he had practically forgotten the underlying feelings he had for boys. Seungkwan assumed it was incredibly affectionate friend-love. Nothing else. He found out that he only ever held back around Vernon. Stopping himself from doing things that crossed the blurry line between lovers and friends.

It was during the filming of Seventeen Project Seungkwan knew something was wrong with him. It was the night after they got their rings back, Vernon had his head tucked under his chin as they laid under some blankets on the couch, dozing off. The younger locked their pinkies together, metal rings clacking quietly. He felt connecting their lips and professing his undying love over and over again. He knew he loved the latter, but it just sort of clicked how intensely he did love him. Seungkwan felt downright plagued with guilt. How could he do that to his best friend? Develop feelings like some sort of fool?

They remain in limbo. Lips nearly meeting far too many times, constantly cuddling and talking. Seungkwan gets sick of himself. He pines over Vernon. He is totally and utterly in love. Every love song he sings he sings with more passion, every hug is a bit tighter, every laugh is a bit louder. The other members start to notice. Minghao asks if he's met a girl and he lies, saying that he's got a crush on a very pretty girl.

The only issue with that is now he has to find a very pretty girl to have a crush on. All girls are so unique and charming so really as long as she's sweet he can fake feelings for just about anyone. 

Not even a week later he meets a pretty girl at the convenience store after they ran out of toothpaste and detergent. Her nose is thin and her smile resembles Vernon's in so many ways. He forces himself to interact with her, but it feels wrong. 

They begin dating, and Seungkwan tells his best friend not too long after. 

Hansol is so happy for him, and it's upsetting.

Seungkwan wants him to be mad, or upset or jealous. He wants Vernon to feel something for him. It's selfish. So damn selfish but he can't help himself.

And so, Seungkwan throws himself into their relationship. He meets with her as much as possible. The vocalist decides that if he tries hard enough, he will fall for her and get over his homosexual thoughts. He comes one night after sneaking out to see Jeonghan kissing Joshua chastely in the kitchen. It shakes him to the core quite a bit. His fairly homophobic hyung was kissing another man. What did that mean for him? Could he achieve something similar? He can't stop picturing himself and Vernon kissing late at night in the dorms. Seungkwan tries harder to fall for his girlfriend.

He ends up missing Vernon even more and tries to compensate by making his friend shower with him, sleep beside him, and stay close.

Seungkwan feels guiltier than ever. Even though Hansol seems to be basking in his clinginess. 

They're laying together in Vernon's tiny bed, enjoying one another's presence before vocal practice. Seungkwan emotionally and physically felt so much closer than usual. They're sharing earbuds and scrolling through twitter, laughing at dog videos and old memes. When the song changes Seungkwan turns his head to ask Vernon 'Holy shit dude isn't this song so good,' but the words die before they reach his mouth. His best friend's face was so damn close to his own, and his body is so damn warm. The rapper can only focus on the soft looking lips of his friend.

Seungkwan decides that he should kiss Vernon. He would rather live with the repercussions than never kiss him.

It feels like a dam breaking.

He held back for far too long.

Without much hesitation, Seungkwan connects their lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I have a crush on my best friend's boyfriend but he's straight and shes too sweet. So i can only write angst now LMAO
> 
> at least these dweebs have a better ending
> 
> annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyways I need sleep kissus goodnight

**Author's Note:**

> You made it this far? Congrats. Anyways tell me what ya think and hmu on tumblr @ khh-17-etc if you want a fic written for whatever paring you want. ily.


End file.
